ACT ONE: INT. JAY'S BEDROOM AT AROUND SUNSET
Jay, a 13 year old boy, relaxes on his bed, blinking slowly, while flipping through various channels on tv. He apparently can't find anything good to watch and as a result, snaps the box off. He appears bored before he reaches in his drawer and takes out his headphones, then putting them on. Suddenly, around him the world starts to change to the sound of dupstep or techno music. At this moment, he flicks his wrists and from the swirls come dancing robotic figures outlined with light into his room. Jay jumps up and, in the air, draws with his finger a robotic like visor, puts it on and starts dancing too. A close up to his mp3 player shows the song change to something of a country theme.The robotic light figures disappear into the air and Jay swirls through the air and lands on an old rocking chair. He picks up his pencil from the desk, which turns into a straw of wheat, and as his hand brings it to his mouth, we see as his whole appearance turns into an overall, straw hat wearing kid. Even a cat jumps up to sit on his lap. His eyes flicker closed and open as he relaxes until a new song startles him back into existence, a rap song. Jay smiles, spins around in his desk chair and when he stops, he is dressed like a stereotypical rapper. As the camera quickly zooms out, we see Jay in a setting somewhat depicting a night club with womanly shadow figures smiling and dancing to the music. Jay, now visually ecstatic, flops on his bed but as he lands, he falls right onto his mp3 with his elbow, which then cracks and glitches a bit. Jay looks at it with sad eyes but is relieved when he finds it still works. However, as he tries to switch the music off, it starts to play an unknown song to him.
ACT TWO: INTERIOR JAY'S ROOM AT NIGHT
At his confusion, a heavy metal song starts to play, which causes him to have excruciating pains in his head. At an instant, the lights in his room start to flicker and eventually fall dim. He looks around horrified and from behind him, a shadow rises that takes the shape of a dragon. They take a second to look at each other with curious eyes; Jay is horrified while the dragon just blinks. With no warning, the dragon lets out one of those heavy metal screams, shaking the house, and then flies out from the roof of his house. Jay stands there in shock as he watches the dragon fly straight towards the city, with a pop culture reference to the Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, Jay thinks to himself, "What have I done?" Jay runs to his closet, grabs his huge deluxe headphones, his mp3 leg holster, and his roller blades. Jay straps up in his equipment with a determined expression, and the next shot shows him dashing from his house at full speed with his skates. He follows just behind the dragon, looking up at it, covered in its shadow, when he shuffles through his music and finds a inspirational, "eye of the tiger," type of song and his skates change a bit to give him more speed that propels him into the air. As he lands on the dragon's back, the dragon notices and takes him on a looping ride in an attempt to get rid of him. Jay holds on and struggles to shift through his endless collection of music. This cues a short montage (no more than 10 seconds) of different songs playing with no help in dealing with the problem. Some examples are opera, arcade music, bluegrass, and cutesy jpop. Finally, Jay is thrown off the dragon's back but is caught by a "kawaii" faced, pink cupcake cloud, induced from the jpop song. The dragon nears closer to the city and Jay feels defeated. He sadly picks up his mp3, now fully cracked and just about to break when it slowly spurts out its final song: the same heavy metal song that created the dragon.
ACT THREE: EXT. RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CITY LIMITS
Finally facing the fears of the song, Jay "becomes one with it." With this newfound power, he summons a "shockwave" that ripples throughout him. The dragon reacts negatively to the sound and goes in to attack Jay. In one final swoop, he completely eats Jay in one bite, or so it seems. The dragon looks satisfied and as he is about to head back on his way to the city, he feels another wave in his stomach. Pulsating waves come from around him and as shock covers his face, he is swallowed back into Jay's headphones, from the inside out. Jay hovers in the air a bit before falling back down into his Jpop cupcake's top. Jay strikes a huge smile, then sighs in relief after deleting the song from his mp3. Jay stands and begins walking down the path back home. He adjusts his headphones, looks at his mp3, and just as he is about to choose a song, the mp3 disintegrates into dust. Jay looks distressed at his hands as the dust falls between his fingers. His only reaction to this is a heavy sigh, a fall to his knees, and a shout at the skies.
Jay
Characters
Jay
Country dog
Hip Hop Girl
Jpop Cupcake
Heavy Metal Dragon
Group Shot
(++) Very cool idea for a story. You could have a lot of fun with the different genres of music that transform him. There could be really interesting morphing segments when he changes the music, that would be fun to watch.
ReplyDelete(+) I like the character design, although it says early design, so I'm not sure if you're keeping it. I feel like I understand the character just by looking at him, and there's a lot of careful detail in the face.
(*) All of that detail in your character might be a problem to animate. That's really my only concern with the protagonist. Also needs some color so we know what kind of color scheme you are going for, which is pretty important.
(-) Some areas of the story seem to drag on a bit. This might be going well over 3 minutes. With a character that detailed, it could be very difficult to get done. If there were a way we could get to the part where he deletes the metal song off of his iPod sooner, that would be helpful.
(--) Definitely need to see some environments. It's hard to judge what this will look like without them.
This is a cool idea. Instead of the music going with whatever situation, the music controls the situation. I can tell you paid attention to the three act structure, especially at the end when the audience thinks all hope is lost when the protagonist is swallowed. I believe you need better explanations of the shots we see. For example, when Jay turns off the T.V. it is not explained how we see or how the action is completed. The transition of the music becoming a bad thing is an interesting concept and twist. The characters that are there to represent the music could have more characteristics that match the genre, like a chain for the rap girl. I agree with Zach about the detail being hard to animate with the characters. I also want to see the dragon.
ReplyDeleteThe concept is very interesting and the various musical genres lend themselves to interesting visual styles and ques. My biggest issue is that Jay doesn't seem to do anything to earn the power he has in Act 3. In Act 2, he tries to combat the Dragon but never seems to gain some small measure of victory or some knew epiphany. By the top of Act 3, he's "one with it". Campbell writes on the Heroe's journey, that our protagonist reaches Aptheosis (becoming a being beyond the physical) only after enduring trials, tribulations and a meeting with a power beyond himself. Jay needs that, in Act two he needs small victories and defeats that eventually leads him to the supreme being that bestows upon him the power within himself - personally, I think that should be the Kawaii cupcake. All told, the story has a lot of promise, it just has a few structure issues.
ReplyDeleteThe character and other designs are pretty good. The concept for the story is pretty epic. The story is too long and complex for me. Also, this sounds like it would really be hard to animate. One more thing is that I agree with Philip on the unearned power gain by Jay in Act 3.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting, engaging narrative, and the character design is also pretty neat. The build-up of the story to 'hero's adventure' action flows fairly well. However, there are a few points that lack transition, like when Jay has vanquished the dragon and then walks home (I think this is a case in which implying the transition of the action does not suffice); the same thing happens in the first act, when Jay puts on his headphones--it should state that he turns on music before the room starts to transform. Interestingly, the areas that could use clarification are vaguely described (e.g. a stereotypical rapper--from what era? Is there a "stereotypical rapper" dress code?), and other, more subtle changes, like Jay's emotional reactions are over-described. Also, don't spell out specific pop culture allusions like the reference to "The Desolation of Smaug". The thing that needs the most work is the structure of the script; the details given and the format make it read like a short story rather than a screenplay.
ReplyDeleteI can easily visualize this story playing out, even with its kinda abstract subjects. The characters are well-designed and make sense, however, it'd help to see a full turnaround of Jay and at least a depiction of the dragon. If he's spawned from a heavy metal song, he probably has some awesome features that relate to that. There needs to be environments as well, I can get a sense of what it looks like thanks to details in our script, but a clear depiction of the environments would help a lot more.
ReplyDeleteI like the story. The way you pitch when you was in my group compelled me. I like the designs of the characters, especially Rap. Only one little change might be the color of the shoes for Jay. It's not just because of the default gray background, but the gray kinda doesn't fit with his clothes for some odd reason. If you're set on gray, then good, but if you're debating on it, then You might go for white (I know kinda generic color for sneaker.) If not white, then another light tint. I at least want to see a sketch of the Dragon since he's a big part of the climax.
ReplyDeletethe idea of the story seems fun i think thats important.
ReplyDeleteyour script might be a bit wordy you should break it down to just actions and dialogue.
Definitely revise the format of your script, it's a bit hard to read when it's not broken down into the key actions. But I love the idea behind your story, it's super fun and creative. And I love your character designs! They're all very unique and well styled!
ReplyDeleteThe story is really interesting and the characters seem solid. I would try possibly simplifying some of your story so that it's clear. Very unique story line.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the story of how music changes the world around him, I'm just wondering is this a part of his imagination. The character designs are very dope, and matches the music that your main character is listening to
ReplyDeleteI feel like your piece really kept our attention and we automatically start connecting with your main character. You followed the three act structure pretty well. The story boarding was excellent, but I feel like your character and environment designs fell short compared to how compelling your story was. I wanted to see full turn arounds and all that jazz. There is no environment or reference shots so I have no clue where your story takes place.I say this a lot, but you should work on your presentation and confidence, because if your not excited, we reflect your mood.
ReplyDeletei felt that of all the pitches for stories, yours was by far the most imaginative. I was really impressed with your concept. it's seemed fun and very different from the usual stuff. your storyboards were well drafted too. I look forward to working with you.
ReplyDeleteSuch a fun and imaginative story. I thought this would be picked for sure. The central focus of music was a great basis for interesting animation and storytelling. Also you're characters feel like characters, which is very hard to do. I love the draftsmanship and attention to detail. Maybe just a bit more enthusiasm in your pitch. That's definitely an area where I need work, too. Overall awesome job!
ReplyDelete